HAPPY JANUARY EVERYONE! Well, the new year is well and truly here (ha, ha haaa... no? Okay) and so far we’ve had TWO EXCITING WEEKS OF 2013 in which ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE has occurred. Wow, ladies and gents. This year really has started with a bang!
So in lieu of a recap of the last couple of weeks (because that would be even more boring than an un-edited, picture-less write-dump), I’ll treat you to some fond/ghastly memories from the last year. Behold, Philosopher’s Best and Worst of 2012!
The Mayans are either not very good at predicting the future, or history’s greatest trolls. But regardless, this apocalypse was just bad. I mean, for a start, no one actually had a clear idea of HOW the world was going to end. Do we die in flames? Are we drowned by the seas? Do overlarge venus fly traps devour us whole? We’ll never know how we were supposed to die, which means we can never brag about it. “I survived a giant venus fly trap invasion predicted centuries ago!” sounds much better than “I survived something bad that was predicted centuries ago. But I don’t know what it was supposed to be. Maybe getting biscuit crumbs in your tea? That’s pretty bad...”
I like to imagine a parallel universe in which YOLO was used for the forces of good. People would say YOLO in a vaguely comedic way when taking advantage of unique opportunities. It would be a not-too-serious way of saying ‘live in the moment!’.
But fate had a different destiny for YOLO in mind. Instead, it became the mantra of every annoying teenager with a twitter account. And somewhere, in the dark corners of these hormone-riddled minds, YOLO evolved into a “well-reasoned” argument for any decision. This scope of decisions ranged from “I’m not gonna do my homework, because YOLO!” to “I’m gonna drink this bottle of Methylated Spirits, because YOLO!”. Yes, you certainly DO only live once, as you’re about to find out.
There was once a middle-aged mother, struggling to come to terms with aging. As a way to express her mid-life-crisis emotions, she decided to write the world’s crappiest book series. And for a while her Twilight Saga was, indeed, the worst piece of fiction that had ever been published.
But in 2012, another frightening entity emerged- a Twilight Mum also struggling to come to terms with her aging decided that her abomination of a Twilight fan-fiction deserved to become a book. And so the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy crawled from the twisted depths of the well of REALLY BAD IDEAS and was published.
As it was once put to me, to be human is to strive to be better than you are. We hope to become better people, in one way or another, in the hope of creating a better world.
But apparently the large majority of the female population FORGOT about such virtues and rushed out to buy their $30 worth of filth, destroying all faith in humanity in the process. I’m just glad that I won’t be the one who has to tell little Tommy the truth about ‘Mummy’s Special Book’.
But don’t despair, my comrades. There were many wonderful things about last year. In fact, I prefer to think of the bad things as small fungus colonies growing on a bright, tie-dyed shirt; excessively annoying, but mostly harmless (if occasionally stinky). And, more importantly, the happy tie dye prevails. Good triumphs over the evils of the mushrooms! Huzzah! Sorry, sorry. It’s late at night and my stock of good metaphors was used up writing our novel. But anyhoo, here are the brightest of the rainbow smudges on the hippy t-shirt that was 2012.
Most people think Curiosity is a cute little car-sized robot pottering around on Mars while some NASA guy fiddles with its remote control. No, my friends. This rover is a work of art. It’s fitted out with some of the most complicated and crazy technology ever devised by man. And IT HAS A LASER. Curiosity can vaporise small portions of ‘interesting surfaces’. There is, of course, a scientific point to the laser (it allows the robot to examine a rock’s elemental composition) but who cares? THE HUMAN RACE HAS SENT A LASER ROBOT TO MARS. That’s a definite win in my book.
If 50 Shades destroyed your faith in humanity, the London 2012 Olympics will almost certainly bring it back. Apart from watching hundreds of athletes running around like lunatics, the Olympics always remind us to take pride in our country. Not because our nation performs well, or because our athletes win gold. No, sirs. We humans don’t get much right. We’re incapable of accepting differences, and yet we cling to them. A difference as stupid as religion or sexuality or even skin colour can bring about a war.
But once every four years, nearly every nation in the world says ‘To hell with it all’. Once every four years, these nations come together in harmony to celebrate our differences; to celebrate each country’s triumphs, to appreciate each and every culture, and to remind us all of the power of peace. At the heart of the Olympic Games is a beautiful glimpse of what World Peace could really mean. The athletes are just incidental.
World Peace and harmony between the nations is great ’n’ all, but horse dancing and incomprehensible Korean is ever-so-slightly better. The ridiculous dancing, the foreign lyrics, the intense stare of destruction as PSY eyed off a blue-clad derriere, the multitude of spin offs (Romney style! Gandalf style! Kim-Jong style!); it was easily the biggest collective belly-laugh of the year. Only one thing can be said for the very best occurrence of 2012:
Cheers, everyone!
Love from Philosopher
(And sincerest apologies to any regular readers. Although I wish I could post more regularly, I can't force myself to be inspired. My best posts come from out of the blue, and I'd rather be a bit infrequent than spout mediocre posts twice a week. Here's a Gangnam Gif to make up for it :)
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